Today is Wednesday. Three days ago I found out that my husband had an affair. Three days ago I found out that my marriage would never quite be the same again. And, still. I almost feel numb to it. I always swore that I would never stay with a man that cheated on me, yet here we are. I haven't filed for a divorce or even thought about talking to an attorney. I haven't told a soul but I may tell Stephanie tonight when we get together, I haven't quite decided. I told Greg not to tell anybody because I am going to do everything I possibly can to protect my children from this. I do not ever want them to have to feel what I am feeling right now. The embarassement, the humiliation, the whispers, the speculation.
The numbness is sometimes so consuming that I literally cannot feel my arms and legs and other times, I'm so acutely aware of everything around me that the tinest noise makes me jump out of my skin. I flash between numb & apathy to screaming & sobbing. I literally cannot control my emotions so I try to tune them out as often as I can. I try to stay busy. Monday was an absolute God-send. We were the busiest we have ever been at work and I didn't have time to sit down and think until 3pm which only left me an hour or so to dwell on the bleak future of my marriage before I had to leave and pick up the kids. But Greg is making it very hard to put him out of my mind. He calls or texts constantly to see how I'm doing, to see how the kids are, to see how my day went, what I'm doing tonight, what I'm planning to do tomorrow. And, as much as I would have thought his constant smothering would have gotten on my last damn nerve, it's oddly comforting. He is still, despite everything, my best friend. He is who I tell everything to and I'm just not use to getting that in return. He told me this morning that he has been living like a closed book and he is absolutely right. Other than the first 2 years that we were together, he would never share anything with me. Most days, he acted like a conversation with me was more painful that if I were to ask him to cut his own balls off. Over the past 3 days we have probably spent 6 hours on the phone, not counting all the texts messages. He even called a salon and made an appointment for us to get pedicures together this weekend. And he called my sister to arrange for babysitting while we are gone. I am still just waiting. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for this facade to end when he is done feeling guilty about his transgression. He swore that he wouldn't. He also swore that he would never cheat on me. I told him that I don't want him to be nice to me now and then flip the switch and be a complete dick again later. I want to know now, not later, if he doesn't want to be with me. He swears that this won't happen. He swears that he cannot live without me and the kids. But I've told him that things absolutely have to change before we can make any long-term plans. I hate to even begin to think about being a single mom but half the time (and it's usually more than that lately) isn't that what I am? Everything falls to me. All the responsibility falls on my shoulders. One of my friends is battling PPD right now and she referenced how she is not Atlas and how she cannot support the weight of the world on her shoulders any longer. I feel the exact same way but under different circumstances. I feel like I have to be everything to everybody all the time and I get little more than an exasperated, "Thanks" in return for my efforts.
Tomorrow night at 6:30 we will go to our first counseling session. I am both relieved and terrified. I have wanted this for so long but now that it is here, I'm just not sure. I feel like over the past 3 days, Greg and I have had our own "mini" counseling sessions and I feel like I'm pretty self-aware right now. I know the things that are wrong, I know that they need to be fixed. I just need to hear that I can do this. I need somebody that has spend several hundred thousand dollars on post-high school education to tell us that our marriage is worth saving and that we are doing the right thing. And not just because that is what they are getting paid to do, but because it's the truth. I need to know that my marriage is worth saving because it's going to be a lot of work to fix us. And I know that that means on both ends. I'm not blind to the fact that I'm human and have made my fair share of mistakes. I can't help but feel like I drove Greg so far away that he felt like it was okay for him to cheat. I still don't know what it is that was going through his mind. Was it a power play? Did he think he could get away with it because he was in Kansas City? Was he doing it to get back at me for something I said or did? I still have no idea. I still have no idea about a lot of things related to that night. No matter how much I try, I cannot get the image of him with her out of my head. I cannot stop picturing what she looks like, what she said to him, what his face looked like when he realized that he had compromised his life, what he said to her to make her stop. Did she actually stop after 2 minutes like he said or did it go further than that? Did he tell her that he loved her? Did she call him some ridiculous name like, "Daddy"? I feel like I'm going to puke when I think of all of these things but these are the things that constantly flood my mind when I allow it. Even when I don't allow the free flow of horrible images, my mind still wanders back to the darkest hour of my marriage and thinks these awful things. I don't know if I can ever really trust him again. One minute I think that and the very next I argue with myself, "Yes you can. He is your husband. He is doing everything he can to find work here so he can leave Kansas City forever." Then I just get more mad at myself for arguing a never-ending battle. Greg is totally on my side and has not once tried to defend his behavior to me. He simply hangs his head in shame or cries or tells me that he deserves it when I say that I'm not trying to hurt him. Because I'm truly not. And that is so fucked up. I guess that is one very strong indicator that I do actually still love him and I do want us to work this out. I am defending him. Rinse. Repeat. I hate that my mind is such a cluster-fuck right now. I. just. don't. know. what. to. think. anymore.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
1.23.2010
I seriously cannot believe that I am typing these words today. In some ways, Sunday feels like a lifetime ago and in others, it feels like it just happened. One of the movies we got this weekend from Netflix was Couples Retreat. Very funny--we even saw it in the theater when it first came out. Greg and I watched it and we held hands the entire time which is sort-of unusual for us but I loved it. Another weird thing about this weekend was that he was so lovey-dovey. On Saturday morning we both woke up at 3am when Sissy woke up and we never went back to sleep because we stayed up the rest of the morning talking and making love. It was AMAZING. We haven't been connected like that in the longest time. I was riding this high with just a slightly nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me that, while we love each other, we haven't been this affectionate or intune with each other for quite some time. It told me something changed. I ignored the voice of reason because I was determined to be happy with my husband. I was determined to stop letting bad things happen with us merely as a self-fufilling prophecy. I was tired of only seeing him 3 days/week and spending half of that time fighting. So I enjoyed myself. For the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed the weekend.
On Sunday evening around 8pm we put Brock to bed and Greg said that he was so tired that he was going to lie down as well. I was standing at the kitchen sick washing Adrianna's bottles and the nagging voice was SCREAMING at me--I was so worked up that I began feeling slightly sick to my stomach. The weekend was almost over. The kids and Greg were sleeping. I didn't understand why my instincts were telling me that everything was wrong when everything looked so picture perfect. I continued to ignore the voice. Since Greg was sound asleep and I was wide awake, I sat on the couch for an hour or so reading a book. About 9pm I decided that I wanted to go snuggle with him and maybe sneak in one more lovemaking session before he was gone again for 4 days. I crawled back in bed with him and before I even touched him, he rolled over to face me. Again, the screaming voice telling me, urging me that something is wrong. As I absentmindedly stroked his hair I said to him, "You know what is fucked up? I was reading my book and there is a big fight scene coming up and I don't think any of my favorite characters are going to survive. And now I can't sleep. What is wrong with me?" Then he grabbed both of my hands and had a look of terror flash across his face.
"Promise me you won't ever leave me." (We had been having lots of these conversations this weekend. He said it was because of the movie and it made him realize that he never wants to get to "that point" with us.)
"I promise. Just like I have all weekend. Are you sure there is nothing wrong? You've been acting funny like this all weekend."
I remember how positively white his lips were. I remember how it felt like an eternity before he breathed. I remember how it suddenly seemed hard for him to swallow. Then, I remember how his bottle lip quivered the tiniest bit. That last gesture sent me into action. I sat up so quickly that I made myself dizzy and half-pulled him up in the process. "WHAT is going on?" I half-screamed half-whispered. As I reached for the light, I think he thought I had figured out what he was going to tell me and I was getting up to leave because he pulled hard on my hand and cried out, "No no no! Please Please! Stay with me!" As the wheels began to turn, I told him that I was turning on the light. I wanted to see his face when he told me what he was about to tell me.
Over the next 4 hours, he told me how he had cheated on me. One night when he was in Kansas City at 2am and he couldn't sleep, he got on Craig's List and found a listing for a 24-hour massage place. He went and less than 15 minutes into his massage, he was screwing somebody else. He swears that it lasted less than 2 minutes and he told me that he went out to his truck and threw up in the parking lot because he was so upset. He said he wore a condom that she had there with her (that she put on for him). He swears that it was a one-time-only thing and that he knows that he doesn't deserve anything from me, much less forgiveness but he was asking for it. He begged me for a second chance. He begged me not to leave him. He begged me not to take our kids away from him.
I stared. This was a dream. This was a bad joke. I could not look at the same face that I'd been looking at for the past 10 years and feel anything but disbelief and heartbreak. Greg. My Greg. My husband of 5+ years, the father of my two beautiful children, the man that I'd known since I was 3 fucking years old had betrayed me in the ultimate way.
On Sunday evening around 8pm we put Brock to bed and Greg said that he was so tired that he was going to lie down as well. I was standing at the kitchen sick washing Adrianna's bottles and the nagging voice was SCREAMING at me--I was so worked up that I began feeling slightly sick to my stomach. The weekend was almost over. The kids and Greg were sleeping. I didn't understand why my instincts were telling me that everything was wrong when everything looked so picture perfect. I continued to ignore the voice. Since Greg was sound asleep and I was wide awake, I sat on the couch for an hour or so reading a book. About 9pm I decided that I wanted to go snuggle with him and maybe sneak in one more lovemaking session before he was gone again for 4 days. I crawled back in bed with him and before I even touched him, he rolled over to face me. Again, the screaming voice telling me, urging me that something is wrong. As I absentmindedly stroked his hair I said to him, "You know what is fucked up? I was reading my book and there is a big fight scene coming up and I don't think any of my favorite characters are going to survive. And now I can't sleep. What is wrong with me?" Then he grabbed both of my hands and had a look of terror flash across his face.
"Promise me you won't ever leave me." (We had been having lots of these conversations this weekend. He said it was because of the movie and it made him realize that he never wants to get to "that point" with us.)
"I promise. Just like I have all weekend. Are you sure there is nothing wrong? You've been acting funny like this all weekend."
I remember how positively white his lips were. I remember how it felt like an eternity before he breathed. I remember how it suddenly seemed hard for him to swallow. Then, I remember how his bottle lip quivered the tiniest bit. That last gesture sent me into action. I sat up so quickly that I made myself dizzy and half-pulled him up in the process. "WHAT is going on?" I half-screamed half-whispered. As I reached for the light, I think he thought I had figured out what he was going to tell me and I was getting up to leave because he pulled hard on my hand and cried out, "No no no! Please Please! Stay with me!" As the wheels began to turn, I told him that I was turning on the light. I wanted to see his face when he told me what he was about to tell me.
Over the next 4 hours, he told me how he had cheated on me. One night when he was in Kansas City at 2am and he couldn't sleep, he got on Craig's List and found a listing for a 24-hour massage place. He went and less than 15 minutes into his massage, he was screwing somebody else. He swears that it lasted less than 2 minutes and he told me that he went out to his truck and threw up in the parking lot because he was so upset. He said he wore a condom that she had there with her (that she put on for him). He swears that it was a one-time-only thing and that he knows that he doesn't deserve anything from me, much less forgiveness but he was asking for it. He begged me for a second chance. He begged me not to leave him. He begged me not to take our kids away from him.
I stared. This was a dream. This was a bad joke. I could not look at the same face that I'd been looking at for the past 10 years and feel anything but disbelief and heartbreak. Greg. My Greg. My husband of 5+ years, the father of my two beautiful children, the man that I'd known since I was 3 fucking years old had betrayed me in the ultimate way.
Monday, January 25, 2010
1.25.2010
I cannot even begin to sum up what I've been feeling over the last few days. Ever since I got that damn letter in the mail from CitiBank about my loans being in default I've been on edge. I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders today, though. I finally worked up the courage and called CitiBank and spoke with a very nice man named Kevin. Kevin was so helpful and explained everything to me and made me feel like less of a piece of shit than I have felt in days. I was able to pay enough money to bring my loans somewhat up-to-date (enough to get them out of threat of foreclosure, anyway) and he was very encouraging about being able to pay them back. So, the best part about it is, I don't have to tell Greg that he can divorce me if he wants (I would definitely understand if he did). I don't have to look my sweet babies in the eyes and feel like I'm costing them their future because of my stupid mistakes. And best of all, I don't have to worry about Greg coming home early this week (normally I would be thrilled that he is coming home on Tuesday rather than Thursday) because I was TERRIFIED that he would get the mail before me and find a horrible letter in there from CitiBank saying that they had come after our house, cars, children, etc.
I also feel that this topic needs an entirely seperate paragraph. The night that I got the letter, I barely slept. And when I did sleep it was restless. I actually had dreams that a collection agency came and took my children away from me. I dreamed that Greg actually divorced me and he got full custody of the children because I had been escorted off to jail because I couldn't pay my loans. Sometime around 2 in the morning I did something that I hadn't done in ages. I prayed. I had an actual conversation with the Lord. I apoligized for all of the horrible mistakes that I'd made, I prayed that he could forgive me and somehow see me out of this mess with, if nothing else, my children's future still intact. I apologized for being such a lousy Christian over the last several years and I swore that I was going to make it up to him. I even promised to go to church on Sunday if he would give me a sign that I would make it out of this situation alive. Unfortunately, I did not make it to a church, but rather a synagogue. A wonderful man that is my husband's aunt's (by marriage) father (Cathy is Greg's aunt. Cathy's dad is Bob. Bob was the wonderful man.) died earlier this week and his funeral was Sunday at 1pm in St. Louis. So instead of going to church with my parents, we packed the kids up, got them dressed in their best funeral attire (Brock was in an honest to goodness tuxedo) and carpooled with Greg's sister, Melissa to St. Louis to pay our final respects to Bob Mayer. So, I will freely admit that I broke the promise that I made to God when I was attempting to bargain my way out of a financial crisis. I did not go to church on Sunday. But the good Lord was definitely present in my heart that day.
Amazing Grace never had such truer words.
Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see.
I also feel that this topic needs an entirely seperate paragraph. The night that I got the letter, I barely slept. And when I did sleep it was restless. I actually had dreams that a collection agency came and took my children away from me. I dreamed that Greg actually divorced me and he got full custody of the children because I had been escorted off to jail because I couldn't pay my loans. Sometime around 2 in the morning I did something that I hadn't done in ages. I prayed. I had an actual conversation with the Lord. I apoligized for all of the horrible mistakes that I'd made, I prayed that he could forgive me and somehow see me out of this mess with, if nothing else, my children's future still intact. I apologized for being such a lousy Christian over the last several years and I swore that I was going to make it up to him. I even promised to go to church on Sunday if he would give me a sign that I would make it out of this situation alive. Unfortunately, I did not make it to a church, but rather a synagogue. A wonderful man that is my husband's aunt's (by marriage) father (Cathy is Greg's aunt. Cathy's dad is Bob. Bob was the wonderful man.) died earlier this week and his funeral was Sunday at 1pm in St. Louis. So instead of going to church with my parents, we packed the kids up, got them dressed in their best funeral attire (Brock was in an honest to goodness tuxedo) and carpooled with Greg's sister, Melissa to St. Louis to pay our final respects to Bob Mayer. So, I will freely admit that I broke the promise that I made to God when I was attempting to bargain my way out of a financial crisis. I did not go to church on Sunday. But the good Lord was definitely present in my heart that day.
Amazing Grace never had such truer words.
Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
1.7.2010
Last night was the best sleep that I've gotten in ages. Greg was in KC, the kids were with Pat because of the snow and I was home alone. Granted I didn't get to have quite the relaxing evening that I would have liked, but still. I got a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!
Last evening when I got home from work (1.5 hours after I left because of the snow and road conditions) I walked inside so that I could pump before I picked up the kids. Then I realized that it happened again. Our heater has been throwing a breaker for a couple of days now and since Greg is out of town, I'm left to my own vices to figure out what is going on. I called Greg and he had me call Greg Hatcher to come look at our heating unit. Greg came over (bless his heart, in the snow and everything) and said that he couldn't see anything that was wrong with it unless it was something that required that he take the ENTIRE unit apart and look at the internal wiring. Before he left he wanted to look at the breaker box. When he saw it, he felt how hot the breaker switch was & told me to call Dad and have him take a look at it. I called Dad and he took a switch out of their breaker (the one for the stove) and replaced ours. Lo and behold, the damn thing worked all night long! Hooray! Now dad is going to pick up a replacement switch for ours and replace it tonight so he can have their's back. I've never been more grateful for a warm house when it's snowing & -15 degrees with the windchill outside!
Last evening when I got home from work (1.5 hours after I left because of the snow and road conditions) I walked inside so that I could pump before I picked up the kids. Then I realized that it happened again. Our heater has been throwing a breaker for a couple of days now and since Greg is out of town, I'm left to my own vices to figure out what is going on. I called Greg and he had me call Greg Hatcher to come look at our heating unit. Greg came over (bless his heart, in the snow and everything) and said that he couldn't see anything that was wrong with it unless it was something that required that he take the ENTIRE unit apart and look at the internal wiring. Before he left he wanted to look at the breaker box. When he saw it, he felt how hot the breaker switch was & told me to call Dad and have him take a look at it. I called Dad and he took a switch out of their breaker (the one for the stove) and replaced ours. Lo and behold, the damn thing worked all night long! Hooray! Now dad is going to pick up a replacement switch for ours and replace it tonight so he can have their's back. I've never been more grateful for a warm house when it's snowing & -15 degrees with the windchill outside!
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