1.24.2010

Today is Wednesday.  Three days ago I found out that my husband had an affair.  Three days ago I found out that my marriage would never quite be the same again.  And, still.  I almost feel numb to it.  I always swore that I would never stay with a man that cheated on me, yet here we are.  I haven't filed for a divorce or even thought about talking to an attorney.  I haven't told a soul but I may tell Stephanie tonight when we get together, I haven't quite decided.  I told Greg not to tell anybody because I am going to do everything I possibly can to protect my children from this.  I do not ever want them to have to feel what I am feeling right now.  The embarassement, the humiliation, the whispers, the speculation.
The numbness is sometimes so consuming that I literally cannot feel my arms and legs and other times, I'm so acutely aware of everything around me that the tinest noise makes me jump out of my skin.  I flash between numb & apathy to screaming & sobbing.  I literally cannot control my emotions so I try to tune them out as often as I can.  I try to stay busy.  Monday was an absolute God-send.  We were the busiest we have ever been at work and I didn't have time to sit down and think until 3pm which only left me an hour or so to dwell on the bleak future of my marriage before I had to leave and pick up the kids.  But Greg is making it very hard to put him out of my mind.  He calls or texts constantly to see how I'm doing, to see how the kids are, to see how my day went, what I'm doing tonight, what I'm planning to do tomorrow.  And, as much as I would have thought his constant smothering would have gotten on my last damn nerve, it's oddly comforting.  He is still, despite everything, my best friend.  He is who I tell everything to and I'm just not use to getting that in return.  He told me this morning that he has been living like a closed book and he is absolutely right.  Other than the first 2 years that we were together, he would never share anything with me.  Most days, he acted like a conversation with me was more painful that if I were to ask him to cut his own balls off.  Over the past 3 days we have probably spent 6 hours on the phone, not counting all the texts messages.  He even called a salon and made an appointment for us to get pedicures together this weekend.  And he called my sister to arrange for babysitting while we are gone.  I am still just waiting.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for this facade to end when he is done feeling guilty about his transgression.  He swore that he wouldn't.  He also swore that he would never cheat on me.  I told him that I don't want him to be nice to me now and then flip the switch and be a complete dick again later.  I want to know now, not later, if he doesn't want to be with me.  He swears that this won't happen.  He swears that he cannot live without me and the kids.  But I've told him that things absolutely have to change before we can make any long-term plans.  I hate to even begin to think about being a single mom but half the time (and it's usually more than that lately) isn't that what I am?  Everything falls to me.  All the responsibility falls on my shoulders.  One of my friends is battling PPD right now and she referenced how she is not Atlas and how she cannot support the weight of the world on her shoulders any longer.  I feel the exact same way but under different circumstances.  I feel like I have to be everything to everybody all the time and I get little more than an exasperated, "Thanks" in return for my efforts.
Tomorrow night at 6:30 we will go to our first counseling session.  I am both relieved and terrified.  I have wanted this for so long but now that it is here, I'm just not sure.  I feel like over the past 3 days, Greg and I have had our own "mini" counseling sessions and I feel like I'm pretty self-aware right now.  I know the things that are wrong, I know that they need to be fixed.  I just need to hear that I can do this.  I need somebody that has spend several hundred thousand dollars on post-high school education to tell us that our marriage is worth saving and that we are doing the right thing.  And not just because that is what they are getting paid to do, but because it's the truth.  I need to know that my marriage is worth saving because it's going to be a lot of work to fix us.  And I know that that means on both ends.  I'm not blind to the fact that I'm human and have made my fair share of mistakes.  I can't help but feel like I drove Greg so far away that he felt like it was okay for him to cheat.  I still don't know what it is that was going through his mind.  Was it a power play?  Did he think he could get away with it because he was in Kansas City?  Was he doing it to get back at me for something I said or did?  I still have no idea.  I still have no idea about a lot of things related to that night.  No matter how much I try, I cannot get the image of him with her out of my head.  I cannot stop picturing what she looks like, what she said to him, what his face looked like when he realized that he had compromised his life, what he said to her to make her stop.  Did she actually stop after 2 minutes like he said or did it go further than that?  Did he tell her that he loved her?  Did she call him some ridiculous name like, "Daddy"?  I feel like I'm going to puke when I think of all of these things but these are the things that constantly flood my mind when I allow it.  Even when I don't allow the free flow of horrible images, my mind still wanders back to the darkest hour of my marriage and thinks these awful things.  I don't know if I can ever really trust him again.  One minute I think that and the very next I argue with myself, "Yes you can.  He is your husband.  He is doing everything he can to find work here so he can leave Kansas City forever."  Then I just get more mad at myself for arguing a never-ending battle.  Greg is totally on my side and has not once tried to defend his behavior to me.  He simply hangs his head in shame or cries or tells me that he deserves it when I say that I'm not trying to hurt him.  Because I'm truly not.  And that is so fucked up.  I guess that is one very strong indicator that I do actually still love him and I do want us to work this out.  I am defending him.  Rinse.  Repeat.  I hate that my mind is such a cluster-fuck right now.  I. just. don't. know. what. to. think. anymore.