1.25.2010

I cannot even begin to sum up what I've been feeling over the last few days.  Ever since I got that damn letter in the mail from CitiBank about my loans being in default I've been on edge.  I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders today, though.  I finally worked up the courage and called CitiBank and spoke with a very nice man named Kevin.  Kevin was so helpful and explained everything to me and made me feel like less of a piece of shit than I have felt in days.  I was able to pay enough money to bring my loans somewhat up-to-date (enough to get them out of threat of foreclosure, anyway) and he was very encouraging about being able to pay them back.  So, the best part about it is, I don't have to tell Greg that he can divorce me if he wants (I would definitely understand if he did).  I don't have to look my sweet babies in the eyes and feel like I'm costing them their future because of my stupid mistakes.  And best of all, I don't have to worry about Greg coming home early this week (normally I would be thrilled that he is coming home on Tuesday rather than Thursday) because I was TERRIFIED that he would get the mail before me and find a horrible letter in there from CitiBank saying that they had come after our house, cars, children, etc. 

I also feel that this topic needs an entirely seperate paragraph.  The night that I got the letter, I barely slept.  And when I did sleep it was restless.  I actually had dreams that a collection agency came and took my children away from me.  I dreamed that Greg actually divorced me and he got full custody of the children because I had been escorted off to jail because I couldn't pay my loans.  Sometime around 2 in the morning I did something that I hadn't done in ages.  I prayed.  I had an actual conversation with the Lord.  I apoligized for all of the horrible mistakes that I'd made, I prayed that he could forgive me and somehow see me out of this mess with, if nothing else, my children's future still intact.  I apologized for being such a lousy Christian over the last several years and I swore that I was going to make it up to him.  I even promised to go to church on Sunday if he would give me a sign that I would make it out of this situation alive.  Unfortunately, I did not make it to a church, but rather a synagogue.  A wonderful man that is my husband's aunt's (by marriage) father (Cathy is Greg's aunt.  Cathy's dad is Bob.  Bob was the wonderful man.) died earlier this week and his funeral was Sunday at 1pm in St. Louis.  So instead of going to church with my parents, we packed the kids up, got them dressed in their best funeral attire (Brock was in an honest to goodness tuxedo) and carpooled with Greg's sister, Melissa to St. Louis to pay our final respects to Bob Mayer.  So, I will freely admit that I broke the promise that I made to God when I was attempting to bargain my way out of a financial crisis.  I did not go to church on Sunday.  But the good Lord was definitely present in my heart that day.

Amazing Grace never had such truer words.

Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found. 
Was blind, but now I see.