I cannot even begin to sum up what I've been feeling over the last few days. Ever since I got that damn letter in the mail from CitiBank about my loans being in default I've been on edge. I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders today, though. I finally worked up the courage and called CitiBank and spoke with a very nice man named Kevin. Kevin was so helpful and explained everything to me and made me feel like less of a piece of shit than I have felt in days. I was able to pay enough money to bring my loans somewhat up-to-date (enough to get them out of threat of foreclosure, anyway) and he was very encouraging about being able to pay them back. So, the best part about it is, I don't have to tell Greg that he can divorce me if he wants (I would definitely understand if he did). I don't have to look my sweet babies in the eyes and feel like I'm costing them their future because of my stupid mistakes. And best of all, I don't have to worry about Greg coming home early this week (normally I would be thrilled that he is coming home on Tuesday rather than Thursday) because I was TERRIFIED that he would get the mail before me and find a horrible letter in there from CitiBank saying that they had come after our house, cars, children, etc.
I also feel that this topic needs an entirely seperate paragraph. The night that I got the letter, I barely slept. And when I did sleep it was restless. I actually had dreams that a collection agency came and took my children away from me. I dreamed that Greg actually divorced me and he got full custody of the children because I had been escorted off to jail because I couldn't pay my loans. Sometime around 2 in the morning I did something that I hadn't done in ages. I prayed. I had an actual conversation with the Lord. I apoligized for all of the horrible mistakes that I'd made, I prayed that he could forgive me and somehow see me out of this mess with, if nothing else, my children's future still intact. I apologized for being such a lousy Christian over the last several years and I swore that I was going to make it up to him. I even promised to go to church on Sunday if he would give me a sign that I would make it out of this situation alive. Unfortunately, I did not make it to a church, but rather a synagogue. A wonderful man that is my husband's aunt's (by marriage) father (Cathy is Greg's aunt. Cathy's dad is Bob. Bob was the wonderful man.) died earlier this week and his funeral was Sunday at 1pm in St. Louis. So instead of going to church with my parents, we packed the kids up, got them dressed in their best funeral attire (Brock was in an honest to goodness tuxedo) and carpooled with Greg's sister, Melissa to St. Louis to pay our final respects to Bob Mayer. So, I will freely admit that I broke the promise that I made to God when I was attempting to bargain my way out of a financial crisis. I did not go to church on Sunday. But the good Lord was definitely present in my heart that day.
Amazing Grace never had such truer words.
Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
1.7.2010
Last night was the best sleep that I've gotten in ages. Greg was in KC, the kids were with Pat because of the snow and I was home alone. Granted I didn't get to have quite the relaxing evening that I would have liked, but still. I got a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!
Last evening when I got home from work (1.5 hours after I left because of the snow and road conditions) I walked inside so that I could pump before I picked up the kids. Then I realized that it happened again. Our heater has been throwing a breaker for a couple of days now and since Greg is out of town, I'm left to my own vices to figure out what is going on. I called Greg and he had me call Greg Hatcher to come look at our heating unit. Greg came over (bless his heart, in the snow and everything) and said that he couldn't see anything that was wrong with it unless it was something that required that he take the ENTIRE unit apart and look at the internal wiring. Before he left he wanted to look at the breaker box. When he saw it, he felt how hot the breaker switch was & told me to call Dad and have him take a look at it. I called Dad and he took a switch out of their breaker (the one for the stove) and replaced ours. Lo and behold, the damn thing worked all night long! Hooray! Now dad is going to pick up a replacement switch for ours and replace it tonight so he can have their's back. I've never been more grateful for a warm house when it's snowing & -15 degrees with the windchill outside!
Last evening when I got home from work (1.5 hours after I left because of the snow and road conditions) I walked inside so that I could pump before I picked up the kids. Then I realized that it happened again. Our heater has been throwing a breaker for a couple of days now and since Greg is out of town, I'm left to my own vices to figure out what is going on. I called Greg and he had me call Greg Hatcher to come look at our heating unit. Greg came over (bless his heart, in the snow and everything) and said that he couldn't see anything that was wrong with it unless it was something that required that he take the ENTIRE unit apart and look at the internal wiring. Before he left he wanted to look at the breaker box. When he saw it, he felt how hot the breaker switch was & told me to call Dad and have him take a look at it. I called Dad and he took a switch out of their breaker (the one for the stove) and replaced ours. Lo and behold, the damn thing worked all night long! Hooray! Now dad is going to pick up a replacement switch for ours and replace it tonight so he can have their's back. I've never been more grateful for a warm house when it's snowing & -15 degrees with the windchill outside!
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