1.23.2010

I seriously cannot believe that I am typing these words today.  In some ways, Sunday feels like a lifetime ago and in others, it feels like it just happened.  One of the movies we got this weekend from Netflix was Couples Retreat.  Very funny--we even saw it in the theater when it first came out.  Greg and I watched it and we held hands the entire time which is sort-of unusual for us but I loved it.  Another weird thing about this weekend was that he was so lovey-dovey.  On Saturday morning we both woke up at 3am when Sissy woke up and we never went back to sleep because we stayed up the rest of the morning talking and making love.  It was AMAZING.  We haven't been connected like that in the longest time.  I was riding this high with just a slightly nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me that, while we love each other, we haven't been this affectionate or intune with each other for quite some time.  It told me something changed.  I ignored the voice of reason because I was determined to be happy with my husband.  I was determined to stop letting bad things happen with us merely as a self-fufilling prophecy.  I was tired of only seeing him 3 days/week and spending half of that time fighting.  So I enjoyed myself.  For the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed the weekend. 
On Sunday evening around 8pm we put Brock to bed and Greg said that he was so tired that he was going to lie down as well.  I was standing at the kitchen sick washing Adrianna's bottles and the nagging voice was SCREAMING at me--I was so worked up that I began feeling slightly sick to my stomach.  The weekend was almost over.  The kids and Greg were sleeping.  I didn't understand why my instincts were telling me that everything was wrong when everything looked so picture perfect.  I continued to ignore the voice.  Since Greg was sound asleep and I was wide awake, I sat on the couch for an hour or so reading a book.  About 9pm I decided that I wanted to go snuggle with him and maybe sneak in one more lovemaking session before he was gone again for 4 days.  I crawled back in bed with him and before I even touched him, he rolled over to face me.  Again, the screaming voice telling me, urging me that something is wrong.  As I absentmindedly stroked his hair I said to him, "You know what is fucked up?  I was reading my book and there is a big fight scene coming up and I don't think any of my favorite characters are going to survive.  And now I can't sleep.  What is wrong with me?"  Then he grabbed both of my hands and had a look of terror flash across his face. 
"Promise me you won't ever leave me."  (We had been having lots of these conversations this weekend.  He said it was because of the movie and it made him realize that he never wants to get to "that point" with us.)
"I promise.  Just like I have all weekend.  Are you sure there is nothing wrong?  You've been acting funny like this all weekend."
I remember how positively white his lips were.  I remember how it felt like an eternity before he breathed.  I remember how it suddenly seemed hard for him to swallow.  Then, I remember how his bottle lip quivered the tiniest bit.  That last gesture sent me into action.  I sat up so quickly that I made myself dizzy and half-pulled him up in the process.  "WHAT is going on?" I half-screamed half-whispered.  As I reached for the light, I think he thought I had figured out what he was going to tell me and I was getting up to leave because he pulled hard on my hand and cried out, "No no no!  Please Please!  Stay with me!"  As the wheels began to turn, I told him that I was turning on the light.  I wanted to see his face when he told me what he was about to tell me.
Over the next 4 hours, he told me how he had cheated on me.  One night when he was in Kansas City at 2am and he couldn't sleep, he got on Craig's List and found a listing for a 24-hour massage place.  He went and less than 15 minutes into his massage, he was screwing somebody else.  He swears that it lasted less than 2 minutes and he told me that he went out to his truck and threw up in the parking lot because he was so upset.  He said he wore a condom that she had there with her (that she put on for him).  He swears that it was a one-time-only thing and that he knows that he doesn't deserve anything from me, much less forgiveness but he was asking for it.  He begged me for a second chance.  He begged me not to leave him.  He begged me not to take our kids away from him.
I stared.  This was a dream.  This was a bad joke.  I could not look at the same face that I'd been looking at for the past 10 years and feel anything but disbelief and heartbreak.  Greg.  My Greg.  My husband of 5+ years, the father of my two beautiful children, the man that I'd known since I was 3 fucking years old had betrayed me in the ultimate way.